Chapter 2: Bums, Actors, and Donkey Kong

Dirty People and Dirty Clothes

There’s a bum who sleeps outside the Laundromat most nights. His name is Craig, and he’s probably the most vile person I have yet to encounter so far in my life (except perhaps that one movie producer who wanted to turn my quirky romantic comedy into a gay love story because, of course, Brokeback Mountain was so successful. Humph)

Anyway, back to the bum. His name is Craig. This is his picture. I didn’t want to get too close for fear he’d notice me. Once they notice you paying attention to them, it’s all over. You can smell him half a block away. I’m not exaggerating. Too bad our largest washer is an 80 pounder, otherwise I’d be inclined to toss him in with a few gallons worth of bleach and perhaps a pinch of fabric softener. I’ve instructed all the attendants to immediately call the police if he so much steps foot on the parking lot.

Am I being mean? I don’t think so. Trust me, after working around a laundry for awhile – you’d feel the same way. Besides, there’s more to Craig than meets the eye…or nose. Word from the beat cop is that he’s a pedophile. Apparently he isn’t allowed onto the property anyway because one time he tried to touch some passing children. Granted maybe he didn’t have any ill intentions – but – come on now…would you want your kids being touched by that guy? Besides, I’m running a damn business and do you think anyone’s gonna want to come around with our guest hanging out by the door? Apparently he came to the window the other night and started screaming into the window that my attendant, Carmen, was a bitch. Whether or not that may or may not be true is beside the point.

Craig isn’t our only panhandling pete – there’s also a guy I call the wheelchair dude. WheelChair Dude isn’t so bad actually. He hangs out, listens to his headphones (unconfirmed whether he’s really listening to anything) and asks for money. He doesn’t drink – I’ve never seen him drunk – and everyone tells me that he’s just trying to raise enough money every day to buy an Italian Beef Sandwich at the SubShop down the street. That’s not too bad – but I still can’t let him hang out by the store. After we opened the laundry, I manned up, bought him a pop (it’s called “pop” here – no one says soda) and told him he couldn’t stay in front of the store. He was upset – said that he’s been there for two years. I told him that I had no problem with him staying if he wanted to pay rent. Maybe that was a bit mean – but true.

He comes on the property every once in a while and mostly hangs out by the Family Dollar. The manager, a guy named Larry, is much more lax about that sort of thing. I had a chat with Larry and he agreed that WheelChair Dude had to roll – but so far Larry hasn’t been much use. Makes me miss the days of Drunken John in Kansas City, at least I could put him to work, alas. ***Oh, and by the way, he doesn't need the wheelchair.

While on the subject of crazies, when you spend enough time in coffee shops as I do, you begin to notice all the other regulars. Some of those regulars aren’t quite right. Kansas City in particular was a host to a plethora of crazies. There was:

Scrunched Up Face Chick: who always looked pissed off but when she spoke had the sweetest high pitched voice (You’d have to have seen her)

The Pacer – who was this guy who would sit quietly most days, but every once in a while he would just randomly stand up and start pacing up and down the store saying strange sentences that didn’t make sense

The Bather – She would bathe in the restroom regularly. Seriously. After she left the restroom the entire floor was covered in water and used towels and smelled.

The Rocker – was this homeless guy who sat outside every day bobbing his head to music on his headphones, but when one looked closely they could see the headphones weren’t plugged in to anything

The Creepy Guy – who would sit every day in front of his computer and, when bored, would stare around at everyone in the store … wait a minute … that’s me. Shit!

Anyway – I’ve as of yet only noticed one coffee shop crazy so far. This is what he looks like ….

Again I don’t have the best picture of him for fear that he’d notice me paying attention and try to initiate conversation. This guy, who I’m just gonna call Starbucks Steve, looks normal enough. He’s always chatting with other customers. Of course, when you stop and pay attention you’d notice that no one he is ever chatting to is engaged in the conversation. In fact, they’re always trying to either ignore him or politely trying to get away. Yesterday he started a conversation with some guy a table up from me by saying “You know it’s all going to end when the mushroom clouds goes up anyway. I’m not saying that’ll be tomorrow. No, it’ll be a few years off, but it’ll happen.”

I shit you not. That’s about what he said. I couldn’t make up shit that good. The best was the other guy’s reaction. He just stared blankly for a moment, eventually nodded, and then said “I hope not”.

Pick a random coffee shop somewhere that’s not Beverly Hills and watch for a few hours. You’ll see em.

Mafia in Chicago:

Okay, onto other issues. I contacted a few alumni of my college through my non-profit organization that I started, the Emerson Mafia. Now as I travel to different cities, I’ve realized how valuable that little website can be. I’ve met some interesting people through it that I otherwise would have had no business meeting.

On Monday Night I went out to dinner with a girl named Caitlyn Cone. Caitlyn’s fantastic. We met in front of Wrigley Field and found some hole in the wall bar that had $1 pitchers of beer. Yes that’s right $1 pitchers. Of course it was crappy piss beer and Caitlyn and I drank two pitchers each and barely got a buzz – but hey – it was cheap. I was worried at first that the conversation would be one of those “So what are you doing for work” conversations and just end there – but nope – once we got chatting about the Red Sox my fears were quickly quelled. Seems Caitlyn is a baseball freak. To illustrate this fact, she told me that for her and her boyfriends’ one year anniversary, they decided to fly down to Houston for the weekend because the Red Sox were playing. That’s dedication.

Tuesday night I met a theater girl named Mary. We ended up having dinner, along with several other alums, at a tapas bar. Has everyone been to a tapas bar?? They Suck! I know I know…people will disagree with me on that one, but come on now, they really suck. The first time I had tapas was with Maryn at a place in LA called Cobras and Matadors. While we had fun, and the food was indeed tasty, I distinctly remembering grumbling at the size of the bill compared to the size of my plate. I also recall getting food somewhere else afterwards as we were still hungry.

This place in Chicago, Ba Ba Reeba it was called, was the same deal. The food was great. The atmosphere was great, but at the end of all things each of us paid $40 for barely any food at all. Fucking Spaniards and their overpriced (admittedly delicious though) cuisine. The kids I met were fun. There was Dante who was currently performing in Chicago’s stage version of High School Musical and Jason who was a tour guide on an architectural boat tour that I should apparently go on. Mary currently works in the marketing department for Corona and tells me she gets to drink beer at the office – not too shabby. There were a few others but…well I already forgot their names. Doh!

Dinner ended around 10pm and everyone was going to a bar a few doors up, but I declined the offer to join them. It was a school night and I had already decided to get up and at the laundry by 6:00 or so the next morning. Damn my sense of responsibility.

The King of Kong: A fistful of quarters

Last night I obtained tickets to a free screening of a documentary titled “The King of Kong: a fistful of quarters”. It’s about a school teacher going after the world record for Donkey Kong. I figured it’d be fun and, considering we my attendant Don Juan and I have a growing rivalry for dominance of the arcade game “Galaga” which is located at the laundry, I figured I’d invite him along. (Okay – I’ll talk about my employees in the next post, but yes, his name really is Don Juan)

First and foremost – this film is amazing. GO SEE IT. I can honestly say that it is probably my favorite film of the year so far. Even if you aren’t into video games GO SEE IT. This isn’t a documentary about video games. It isn’t a documentary about Donkey Kong. This is a documentary about Good vs Evil. And it’s real.

Billy Mitchell has a big, scary mullet. He is officially the gamer of the century. He holds the world records for many of the classic arcade games. A few years back he scored a “Perfect Score” on PacMan. Think about Pac Man for a second, and think about what it means for a perfect score. I think maybe one other person has ever gotten that. But really who the fuck cares, it’s pac man. Video Games aren’t the point. Billy Mitchell is the best – the champion. In the 80’s he obtained the record for Donkey Kong – agreed to be the hardest game ever made.

Shoot to modern day. Steve Wiebe is a nice guy. Talented at many things, but never exceptional. One day he was laid off from work and was looking for something to do. He went online and saw the top score for Donkey Kong and said “Hey, I can beat that”. He bought an arcade machine and played in his garage – mapping out strategies by drawing onto the glass of the machine. He has a family and a way too understanding wife.

This movie is about Steve trying to be the best in the world at something and Billy doing everything and anything in his power to stop him. Billy Mitchell is evil. He is the villain of the year.

I know I’m not doing this justice. The film is phenomenal. Funny as shit. You’ll be shocked at this underground world of nerds who take this shit so damned seriously. Also, strangely enough, the mecca for the classic gamer is an arcade called Fun Spot in New Hampshire which was an arcade I frequented when I was a kid. I had no idea I was standing in the halls of greatness. (To some of these people anyway)

Trust me. Find this movie.

I just bought a new camera to replace the one I lost, so my pics should hopefully get better.

And Now, I’ll leave you with a bit of cultural genius. I only hope that someday I can contribute to society something as great as the below.